Twins

When I was young silence terrified me.  Now that I am older I realize there is no such thing as silence.  If I stop talking, I hear speaking all around me the birds, trees, wind, and water which remind me of the awesome reach of my higher power.

When I listen, there is comfort in knowing what was here before me and will remain after I am gone.  Nature humbles me.  It requires admission that I will never understand it all but can still be inspired.  Nature and faith are twins.  

I remember when I read in the Big Book that I stopped arguing I could begin to see and feel. It literally had never occurred to me to stop fighting. I was a man and men fight, right? I began to truly realize that I was not insane in ways I thought I was insane. This is when the delusion, not denial, of step 3 became very clear.

There is so much that I do not understand,  but in my 11th step  I search for a deeper acceptance and respect for the things unheard and unseen.  When my mind fails and the literature of my recovery does not pull me out of despair, I turn to nature to surrender. Almost always I am released when the inner light creates the shadows that I recognize as my own.  In all things I am not alone, if I look and listen.

Today, I recognize what and who I really am. The past is a shadow not to be ignored, but also not to be lived in. There is a new sound in the air, an unrecognizable bird whose call makes me curious. I will seek out its name.

Published July 9, 2012