Not Discontented

I will keep it very simple today. The third step just asks us to make a decision, but some days that decision weighs on us like lead. What do you mean give up power? I used to ask this so much when I was new in recovery; the struggle for power can be its own drug and insidious obsession. It took months and years for me to see that by admitting powerlessness in Step 1 and coming to believe in Step 2, I would then be able to make a decision that actually empowered me. Today, I see this as the HOW of the program:  Step 1 - How, Step 2 - Open, Step 3 - Willing.

Last night I was reading an essay by Ralph Waldo Emerson that reminded me of this program truth: "Discontent is the want of self-reliance: it is the infirmity of the will." Many of us were raised believing in the power of self-reliance. Fathers and mothers would direct us to be the masters of our own destinies, but recovery teachers us that for an alcoholic, this will inflame our illness and leave us isolated and alone. It is when I make a decision, that my world view is broadened and possible solutions manifest themselves in my life.

I used to think of my third step as "walking in the rain." I would wander the streets of D.C. in this warm rain and meditate on how it was not necessary to run inside and stay protected, but simply let the water wash over me and cleanse me. I really understand that, "as soon as the man is at one with God... he will then see prayer in all action." So if you get bogged down in fear, say a little prayer, or pretend you are walking in the rain. That is my wish for you today...

Personal Journal | Published June 3, 2012