Not Denial

When I was new in the program I heard all the time that alcoholics lived in "denial." It was about three years in to my recovery when my sponsor pointed out how inaccurate it was to say we are in denial.  The "Big Book" is clear; in Chapter 5 (after the How It Works passage we read at every meeting) is the following rhetorical question tucked into the 3rd Step:

"Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?"

I was guided to put this question into a personal statement about me:

I am a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I manage well.

When I wrote this down the first time, I cringed. Being brought up by a strict military father, I never questioned that it was my responsibility to "manage well."  What I have learned through working the steps is how dangerous this self-reliance is, because it leads me to do the wrong things. Even the word "wrest" suggestions that I am manipulating situations to satisfy me, and make me happy, instead of merely living according to a set of spiritual principles.

Today I know that the decision to turn my life over to a higher power is the only way I can achieve happiness. This decision allows me to correct the instincts that deluded me when drinking and redevelop my character.  The promise to "intuitively handle situations that baffled" me is achieved when I do the right thing. Happiness today is a bi-product of right living, not a struggle for power. When I correct my delusional thinking by putting the needs of others ahead of mine (count the word "self" in Chapter 5), I see everything differently.

Published June 20, 2012