It is inconceivable that I should be the age I am. Even more surprising is that two years ago I finally decided to pursue writing short stories. The Tales of A Later-In-Life Blogger is about what it is like to be crafting essays and stories in my sixties. It is never to old to begin. This is not finished writing. It is more of a starting place and an opportunity to align words with actions that will help navigate during these difficult times.
7 Days of Celebration (2/7 - Day 1)
I answered it as politely as I could. I said. I think it boils down to happiness; people have not accepted its transient nature and try to demand it all the time. There is an entitlement about it, but those that understand happiness know that to truly be happy is to know and accept that it will pass and bring on sadness. You accept that when it goes away there will be loss.Perhaps that is the larger lesson right now. I realized yesterday that the gray and rain made me want to hide, but I went out anyway. I stumbled upon a wooden structure like a gazebo and saw what remained of last year’s blooms clinging to the structure. They were stunningly beautiful, ethereal, and even magical. I tried to keep the image in my mind all day, but it passed like all things do. Just like the flowers, what I have been through matters. My experience can drop like seeds and benefit those that follow. “Troubles overcome are good to tell,” as the Yiddish proverb goes. That is what I said, knowing that I have overcome and in overcoming felt brief happiness in helping others.
2/8 (2/8 - Day 2)
Socrates said, “The misuse of language induces evil in the soul.” Please note that he was not talking about grammar, rather his recognition that language as a means to get power or make money is dangerous. He went as far as to say language lies. The world is experiencing this misuse, these lies, and one wonders how we can ever know the truth. If you feel this way, attend a performance, read a poem, see a movie and you will see how language communicates truth because it moves from your head to your heart. Most likely you have seen language used as an end unto itself. Language (movement, paint, voice, or instrument) is used when a creator pays attention and then uses this attention to create an attention. Yes, it is the same process being used by bullies and autocrats, so we must do it better. We must work as hard at communicating beauty and love, as they do the ugly and profane. I don’t agree with Kafka that all language is a poor translation because I believe that the act of creation is enough to fight bigotry. The role of art is even more important in difficult times. Today I will sing a song, read a poem, and write a story. I will turn my attention away and into a way to love with intention.
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all. Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."
2/9 (Day 3)
I am certain that everyone has hundreds, maybe thousands of secret worlds inside them. It is very hard work to get them out. It is also hard to determine if the stories we are telling ourselves help or harm us. Even though I think of myself as a storyteller, I spend many hours a week as a story listener. This gives me an inside view of how these stories liberate or imprison us. Again, it is when we pay attention to these stories that we are able to see if we have achieved our intention or if we have been deluded.
I have read and reread a passage I stumbled upon the other day:
“Revolutions often result from many smaller revolutionary moments. Each smaller revolutionary moment adds up, little by little, to create something transformative. It is this what I want to establish – that fundamentally, revolutions and radical change are incremental in character.”
Maybe I am stuck on this passage because I believe it is true both our current authoritarian takeover, but any change - it is incremental like waves. No matter what side we are on, we must pay more attention to the moment, what is happening in the moment. So many people in our country have no idea what is going on. Understanding requires more than soundbites, it requires a deeper dive into the world and how it works. We must all be students of life. To understand literally means to stand under and hold up. When we hold something up the blinding light of truth can’t help but penetrate the darkness.
“The unexamined life is not worth living” and it is because I have examined it that I love living it. It requires courage to unpack the causes and conditions in order to change the reactions and behaviors that are prohibiting a joyful existence. Until I did this every story I told was inauthentic.
2/10 (Day 4)
Most people do not really want freedom said Sigmund Freud. We are learning today that freedom is not guaranteed. It is clear that people do not think we all deserve to be free. But I also think it is the price, which is responsibility, that people do not like.Taking responsibility for yourself and your actions is hard work. It seems instead that some find it easier to blame others for their lack of freedom. It is the blame game, the deflection. If I blame you for the problems in the world, accuse you of stealing my freedoms, I will not be held accountable as I make America great again. I see it all the time in codependent relationships. Democracy is just like these personal relationships, you come to acknowledge, if you do the work, that America never was great for everyone.
In the current world, it seems that the authoritarians have picked up the mantra many of us who have had to fight for justice know well. “Make some noise” - think of all the radical and revolutionary leaders who have used public space to rally and rail against the hegemony. I remember the years of ACT UP. However, making noise in the hands of this new political order is a bit scarier now. They are literally blocking us from entering public spaces, demanding we tear down the infrastructure that many of us rely on to live. There was a time when we were encouraged to make contact and establish civil means of communicating. Not any longer. It would be foolish to assume they will be civil. They have taken away the safeguards many need. It appears that they will simply eliminate even the faulty systems we have in place without a single idea of what to put in their place. Frankly, civility alone has never fostered democracy and now we are faced with many choices on how to proceed.
I encourage everyone to look inside, and out, to find the tumor that is preventing us from seeing the golden thread that runs through a successful democracy. You may need to re-establish empathy for your enemies and be willing to have difficult conversations about the fear that is growing like cancer in our country. The me, me, me that has grown into a selfishness that can only be countered by connection. But before we go to the strangers on the other side, we must be certain we know ourselves or we will not be able to cultivate the collective belonging necessary to spark change.
I was at the theater the other night and an older woman, a stranger, was sitting next to me. Her hands looked older than her face, you could tell they were used to struggling. When she spoke, however, she glowed with enthusiasm for the performance and for life in general. She said, as a child we did not shy away from the challenges in the world. We talked about everything. Even when I got this thing in my fingers I knew I would be okay, that I could figure it out. I listened to her words and without prompting she said, we will be okay, you and I. I can tell you are someone who keeps learning, tries new things, and is always curious. I said, really? You can tell that? Yes, it is the way you lean into the stage when you are watching the performance. I can tell immediately with my clients if they will be okay. Your clients? Yes, I am a lawyer. Here is some advice free of charge: It is not the single voice alone that changes the world. It is belonging, the collective belonging that creates the agency of cultural dissent.” There I was with a stranger, a few years older than me, in a world that at times can feel like it is crumbling, reminding me to never give up hope.
2/11 (Day 5)
Character counts he said a million times. The price of greatness is responsibility echoed throughout our house laced with the weight of history implied by Churchill’s words. Oh how irrelevant it all seems right now. But somewhere along the line, he sewed into me the golden thread of vigilance for which I am grateful. Those of us who learned similar lessons will be needed during these unprecedented times. It is so clear that this shambolic pressure campaign is designed to wear us out. We simply cannot submit to compassion fatigue.
To be vigilant is to act with courage and courage requires an understanding of fear. Fear in turn demands we find the courage to do it anyway. I am ever so grateful that I am vigilant, that I know there are others whose lives are so much more difficult than mine.
An unknown author said:
Nothing in Nature lives for itself.
Rivers don't drink their own water.
Trees don’t eat their own fruit.
The Sun doesn’t shine for itself.
A Flower’s fragrance is not for itself.
Living for each other is the rule of Nature.
We will perish if we live for ourselves. This selfishness must be counteracted with selflessness. The enemy of autocracy is humanity. In the words of the brilliant John Berger, The first step towards building an alternative world has to be a refusal of the world-picture implanted in our minds… First, an horizon has to be discovered. And for this we have to refind hope - against all the odds of what the new order pretends and perpetuates.
We must come together and discover again what it means to be part of the human family.
2/12 (Day 6)
I remember one time when I was paying close attention to what the other person was saying. I was present and she knew that I heard her every word. This presence is so important and rare. It is said that God is in the present. I am not a religious person, but do know that there was love in our connection. She thanked me over and over for hearing and not judging the way she had treated her daughter. Then she cried abundantly.
To be there for others is the most precious gift you can give and receive. I think I learned this as a queer resistor. I knew better than to burn myself out because there was only one goal: survival. Perhaps this is true for many people. As Pete Buttigieg said this week, “you are not powerless, and he is not unstoppable,” acknowledging how raising our voices is essential to resistance and what many of us feel right now will be our survival. This courage seems to be slowing some of these demoralizing actions down. Listening on a large or small scale is powerful when it leads to action.
By the way I did not ask this person their political affiliations and was not forced to choose a side. I can be angry about the world and also love parts of it at the same time. I try not to think of things as all or nothing. I realize that there are kind and caring people who voted for this man based on limited information and now they may be shocked and appalled too. We never really know everything, but it is delusional to think that I am alone right now.
I learned long ago that when we try to live in a relationship with others we accept that we are risking annihilation in that the other person may reject us, our ideas, and thoughts. Everything is a gamble. We don’t always win, we don’t always lose, we don’t always know, we don’t always… But if we don’t try we are left with nothing. I am not giving up and I hope you don’t either. The truth is even when things align with my beliefs we cannot accomplish everything. Of course, we cannot save everything that is being threatened right now because one side is playing by the rules/laws and the other not so much. However, I can look for what can be saved and the things that I can save are worth saving, like the friend who confided in me and our bond helped her to create a path forward.
My work email is embedded with this following quote: Modeling is not one way of influencing people; it is the only way. My sphere of influence is not huge, but it is powerful, especially when I remember Einstein’s words. I must model what I want to see in children and adults.
2/13 (Day 7)
Grace is loaded with meanings.There is the prayer before a meal, the attitude one has when bestowing kindness on others, the christian idea that grace is not earned, the refined elegance manifested in a person or persons, and even that period you are given to pay a bill is referred to as grace. Given the time of year, it is also important to consider the role of the Graces in Greek Mythology. All of this is to say, “no human power could.”
Rather than considering any concepts as concrete or static, my philosophy has evolved over the years in a manner that helps me look at things in terms of their fluidity, how ideas/concepts are in a dynamic interplay with each other. I recently referred to Mark Neppo who believes that grace is challenging because accepting it means we know things will change and with changes comes loss. I think of it as laughing on the day of a funeral, there is always both. The dichotomy, a contrast between two things, is always present. While I know I have experienced grace, I still cannot fully explain it. That is the folly I pursue; understanding what cannot literally be understood.
In addition to grace, I have always struggled with self love - how does this fit with aligning my will with something greater. I have decided self love is not enough without grace to help align things. Self-awareness comes when I see myself in relation to others, not for comparison, but for accountability because without it self-will will run riot and chaos ensues. The world appears to be forgetting that there’s a place in all of our lives for basic kindness, for basic love and understanding.
I remember the first time I realized I could be destroyed by living. Getting to know my body, mind, and spirit I have learned to not ignore the unrest in my bones. In fact, it demands my attention. I have accepted that it is okay, and even necessary, to feel this disorientation. Virginia World talked about the need, no matter what happens to stay alive and went on to give some ideas on how to do this. Summing it up with the only thing you should not waste is life itself. It seems some in our country are banking on this. It is the idea that Mussolini called the “revolution of reaction.” They are waiting for me to become numb so that I will surrender to their imposed powerlessness.
I have been thinking this week about a speaker in a poem that said she wanted “to be a rib in the body of this country, to make a safe space for love.” The analogy of our heart in our ribcage was poignant. The way I propose you do this is to always do what you cannot yet do, in order to learn about it. You may not be an artist like Van Gogh, but you certainly can call your congressman, the state department, or the department of education. You can join a local school board, attend meetings with like-minded resistors, build your own safe communities so you do not go it alone. The best way to counteract this whitewashed Christian Nationalism is to show them, model good and just behavior and eventually many around you will begin to see the dichotomy between what is said and what is being done. It will eventually become clear that shouting light and love without any experience navigating the obstacles on the often dark road is a “con, a confabulation.”Allow yourself to experience gratitude for what you do have, because it will lead to grace, and self-awareness that can change the world.
2/14 (Valentine’s Day Celebration)
It has always been strange to me to have a birthday on Valentine’s Day. It was not easy when I was single. At forty eight, I am sure self-pity was served in abundance and the menu lacked gratitude. Now that I am sixty-four it’s another matter. I fancy the medieval men who would draw names of their beloved and then pin their names on their sleeves, hence “wearing a heart on your sleeve.” When you are born on Valentine’s Day you read every imaginable book (The Four Loves comes to mind) on the topic. All of which I am sure have informed my conclusion that LOVE IS THE POINT.
My very birth taught me the double meaning of love. One woman loved me by giving me up for adoption, another woman loved me by choosing me to love. I remember when my adoptive mother became aware that my birth mother had located me. Her words were clear, now there are more to love you. Love requires hard work and difficult decisions though and people complicate things, just ask my brother what he thought of this finding of me.
Rummaging through an old file the other day I came upon a document that said my official adoption (its completion on paper), was not finalized until the spring of 1963. Life is so complex and ever revealing. It was technical, but made me wonder about that first year. The lady at the theater I mentioned earlier in the week talked about how we must all keep learning.
Life is work and I guess some people just get tired and choosing not to learn keeps them feeling safer. I have experienced so many people whose deep sense of shame creates judgement of others and leads them to isolation. They are incapable of being fully present with others. That was me for a long time. But no longer. Learning is risky and challenging, but essential. The willingness to have difficult conversations is the difference from being in a relationship and just having one. I suspect that if I continue to stay teachable through every phase of my life, it will continue to be worth it.
But there is a cost of living isn’t there? I am not talking about breathing, I am talking about living. Learning to live in the beautiful mess. I think it is true that to love and be loved means you have not forgotten your own insignificance. St. Francis of Assisi tried to tell us to love rather than be loved in order to be an instrument of peace. I think Arundhati Roy was right:
“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.”
Yes, these are difficult times. However, my wish for you is that you seek joy in sad places, pursue or create beauty, revel in the complexity of the world, to look for the strength in others - surround yourself with it, to pay attention, to never forget, and never ever look away.
2/17 - Blessed Unrest
Invisible Man is an important novel. Somewhere in it, I began to see and feel the dangers of falling in line with the larger world around me. If you are different or oppressed like I am, doing what was expected fulfilled the needs of others who wanted to be comforted by my existence instead of growing from the challenge of learning different ways of being from the one they preferred. Ellison, speaking through his narrator asks a question: What and how much had I lost by trying to do only what was expected of me instead of what I myself had wished to do? Growing requires discomfort whether it is individuals or societies. Perhaps this was my awakening at sixteen. It was 1977 and I consciously became a provoker, hell bent on resisting. How lucky was I that this happened before the horrors of the 1980s when AIDs took over and the resistors were the only ones speaking truth when our society and government ignored us.
We are living in a time where we are called to stop rehashing the past. We need to stop spinning with the thoughts of what we have failed to do, for example, in this last election, and shift to what we can do. We are being called to reframe our approach and do whatever lies within our power. Strange for some who think you can only affect change when you are in control. Control is not power and wisdom comes from courage and courage is only possible when you take risks despite the dangers.
The artists I have studied and admired remind me as Martha Graham said so well, that there is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. She also refers to the work of the artist, and I challenge you to add yourself to the work of artists who, after all, are humans like you; to investigate the blessed unrest that calls you to march, to stand up, to resist the perils lurking in your lives. It is this unrest that keeps you alive. Some folks have argued that it is easier for me to stand up. All I can say is maybe and remember that there was first a time when I was overwhelmed by this proposition but knew that it was necessary. It helped that I believed in the poets who are always ahead of their time, they were for a long time my only friends. As Charles Simic says they are anachronistic, obsolete, unfashionable, and permanently contemporary.
I suppose the oligarchs and autocrats believe they are right too, that they are approaching the world with their own blessed unrest. There is always paradox. For me, it is the opposer’s of democracy and their apparent lack of humanity that makes me question if their efforts are blessed, or not. It is my mantra that art and beauty should confirm or challenge, not obliterate.
It is my hope that as they take away the infrastructures more people will see how important they were/are - how our government actually works and that life and liberty must be based on laws or become unjust. Life in a civilized society is relational. The irony is we have more information today, but less contact with others. We have become isolated in our knowledge. But knowledge does not create meaning, interactions with other people does. This is similar to how self-love without self-awareness becomes narcissistic. Self-awareness is measured in our interactions and how we treat others; it is how we hold each other accountable.
I lived for many years paralyzed by inaction. I learned that it was/is the enemy of change. While today is worse than the 1980s it is not dissimilar. The chaos is an intentional effort to overwhelm us into isolation. This was literally Mussolini’s desired effect of the revolution of reaction. In the past month, being exhausted has tempted me to become angry and cynical enough to retreat into victimhood.
When my emotions overwhelm me, I fall into depression. To counter this notion, I am reminded that if thoughts do not become actions they remain unknown and that will help no one. Instead, I start in gratitude knowing that that alone can help others face the day. Second, I consider time; do I want this part of my life to be a comma - a brief interruption or a paragraph - a prolonged nightmare of detailed inhumane war against my fellow human beings? What I know is that things are not impossible unless I label them, which reminds me that life must be lived and it is in that attempt that I find joy.
