Misery is Optional

I recently attended a meeting where the speaker talked about "fear of success." The lead triggered a memory of early sobriety and the man who helped me initially.  Jerry R. said to me then, "you seem to be more afraid of success than failure."  

The irony is that years later while doing some 4th Step work, in fact, it was revealed that I was looking more to be invalidated than validated.  In retrospect I can see how much easier it was to be a victim which was perpetuated by this need to be invalidated, judged, and shamed.  How lucky I am that my higher power keeps directing me to people who help me break these patterns of thinking.  "Avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery" the Big Book says and the people I admire in Recovery really try to do this.  

One way to achieve this is through a deepening faith in something greater than me, identifying the patterns that cause my victim thinking, and then really turning the good and bad, my defects and assets, over to God: Steps 2, 4, and 7.  It is the challenge that one of my readings said today: "To feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe."  What better proof that we have had a "psychic change" than to have a secure foundation in the goodness of the world. I certainly never did when drinking.  It is when I fall off the beam that this goodness leads me to create drama and chaos in order to feel fully alive.  

Years of living in fear make me crave the safety of knowing what to expect.  Sadness, misery, and fear are what I know, but faith, peace, and joy are what I am learning. As the Big Book says, “avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery.”  I remember someone who used to say, "when you are doing this right it will feel strange and different."   She was right... all things new require the courage (mine comes from God) to be clumsy and awkward.  Most of us feel this way when we are successful but learn to be gracious in receiving compliments.  It may be as simple as learning to say "thank you" when you are complimented until you believe it.  

My sponsor used to have me practice saying this and reminding me not to add a statement that invalidates the praise.  Today I do believe in the fundamental goodness of the world and try to reject my old thinking that wants to create problems - this to me is alcoholism's greatest threat: It wants us to be miserable and justify a drink.  I go to meetings, call a sponsor, work the steps, and provide service so that I do not let me disease of perception take over and try to isolate me in misery. I have learned that when I accept my failures I can celebrate my success the same way I did with my defects and assets.

Personal Journals 2015 - 2017 | Published July 16, 2012