Hide and Seek

Many of us probably played this game when we were small. I realize now that most of the game involved searching for my friends who had cleverly hidden themselves. I clearly remember thinking that the most important part of this game was hiding so I could not be found ~ perhaps this was because I was not good at searching.  In fact, I never seemed able to find my friends so I eventually gave up all together. Ironically, the actual name of this game is "Hide and Go Seek," which suggests that the real action of the game was the command to seek out those who were hidden.

It should not surprise anyone that the searching involved in recovery and the procured discipline that we are asked to seek in Step 11, can be challenging for me. This childhood game went against the grain of my thinking; I wanted to disappear and never be found.  The strategy that I needed to adopt, in order to win, usually meant looking right in front of me, very close to where I was standing.  It was awful because I never looked for the obvious; the same is true for seeking a higher power and his will for me. But now, after a a number of years in recovery, the search is not about distance it is about awakening; it does not celebrate hiding it celebrates uncovering.  I believe that my problem all along was that I did not understand the purpose of the game.  

I have now learned Victor Frankl's premise in "Man's Search For Meaning," that "those of us who know the why of our existence can tolerate any how." In hindsight I know that searching led me to recovery, that I came to believe because I was searching, that "my searching and fearless moral inventory" revealed my primary purpose which established the "why" of my existence and the "how" that would require me to "go to any lengths."  I continue to be amazed by the ego because it often creates a need to hide.  But it is humility that creates a need to come out into "the sunlight of the spirit."  

The old hymn has it right:

I once was lost
but now am found
was blind
but now I see.

Personal Journals | Published June 27, 2012