From the Gutter to the Curb
This journal is about my attempt to share my experience of practicing the principals of recovery as learned on the pages of the AA Big Book and other readings as well as work with sponsors and sponsees over the years.
I have said for many years that there is not much distance from the gutter to the curb.
If I forget where I came from - not literally but figuratively - I can easily return to the comfort of the gutter where I would attempt to fix all problems with a bottle. Now that I have been around for awhile I see the problem; the view from the curb can be misleading as it can suggest you are cured.
Many folks sink into a pattern of behavior believing that they have all the answers and then impose them on others as "shoulds." When people say to me, you should, I often questions how they really know what is best for me or what God's will is for me. There are people in Recovery with good intentions and sober experience, but they are still alcoholics and still capable of falling into old habits - a common myth exists that they are different than the rest of us. While I have benefited greatly from their insights, I have also seen their lack of humility - what I call the "you do this and I'll do that behavior."
While they have more experience with sobriety, our literature repeatedly tells us that sobriety is based on a daily reprieve and contingent on our spiritual condition which is generated by the hard work of climbing the steps. The Little Red Book says we are "physically, mentally, and spiritually sick." This mental condition can exist long after we have recovered physically and no longer crave alcohol.
Today, my main goal in recovery is to achieve mental and spiritual balance and as someone who knows alcohol did serious damage to my nervous system, I know that significant work must be done to restore the mental imbalance that resulted. This is hard work, and at times seems unsupported by those who believe simply being dry is enough. Emotional sobriety requires that we honor our feelings, not just blame them for screwing us up.
When we know what we feel, we can change.
Our thinking about our feelings allows us to assess whether our feelings are accurate or based on old ways of thinking, usually patterns that began when we were young. For me this was around 7 years old - to this day my first reaction starts as a 7 year old. In fact, many of us find that our alcoholism kicked in strongly when we had a marked emotional upheaval, a personality change as the result of prolonged negative thinking.
My go to response today is still negative and I have to stop and correct this. Perhaps this is why I had such a hard time with gratitude lists... I need to be more pro-active and less passive. I have found that a list of goals, a change list is much more powerful. One like this:
Try to experience life today, not judge it
When agitated reframe - remind yourself you are not a sinner but have a sickness
Eliminate thinking that bases success on being a "good boy"
Stop validating the crazy stuff you believe is true in your head
Remember you have survived, the real goal is living...
Ironically, active participation in my own recovery makes me grateful. A therapist said to me recently, "you have a good spiritual life, but what you want to do is add to your prayer and meditation actual changes you want to see in your behavior." If I come to believe that my life magically gets better because I stop drinking, I begin a pattern of delusional thinking that says I do not have a three fold disease - my physical addiction can go away but nothing then is restored in my mental and spiritual life. Sadly, it is the mental trigger that could lead me back to a drink if it is not treated daily to new thinking.
As I said, the curb has a view that can lead to spiritual arrogance. Today I believe the only thing keeping me on the curb is my continued willingness to know that my thinking about who and what I am, must evolve. The freedom from false-pride and an honest evaluation of how things are brings me the humility to see the world as it is in all its glory, not my limited view of its discontents.
Personal Journal | Published July 12, 2012