“Clean Edge of Change”

There was absolutely nothing "clean" about changing when I was new in recovery. In fact, most things I attempted were messy. But I had heard that "the same man (and woman) will drink again," so I persevered as best I could.  

I remember an old-timer saying that, "life was like a rubber band that sometimes needed to be stretched to the point of breaking."  He chuckled and then went on with, "but you don't need to worry, it will find its shape again."  Changing was so hard though, I swore it would break me in two; little did I know that it would actually fuse me together.  It was especially difficult after I had made my 6th step list of defects and was trying to humbly ask God for help in the 7th.

In the song "Clean Edge of Change," there is a line that rings so true: "...as if by this the will of God could be bent to my version of right." Muddling my ability to change was the need to control everything instead of simply accepting God's will for me. Managing and manipulating are hallmarks of my alcoholic thinking, but when I am more spiritually fit accepting and surrendering take over and the edge of change is cleaner.  You would think after years of living in my addiction that the last thing on my mind would be running my own life, but that is the scary part of this disease.  

As many of us in recovery will attest: "we have a disease that tells us we do not have a disease." My problem today is thinking, not drinking, so I must continually try to change the way I think. By asking people for help and working the steps, I start to behave in a way that makes me more willing and humble about asking God to "have all of me good and bad." However, what culminates with the Step 7 is almost impossible if I am trying to run the show.  Today I realize that practicing change is essential and it begins by admitting "I am powerless over people, places, and things" and that I can change if I seek direction.  When I practice, clunky change becomes cleaner change.  Over time, like anything, it becomes easier.  

My first thought is no longer how to bend God's will for me through rationalization, rather to allow God's will to fuse together those parts that are in disharmony with the world around me.

Personal Journals | Published June 27, 2012